The Full Zidane
by Emmy9
Summary: Same result, different ending! Here's an alternate reality for ya...


-The Full Zidane-  
  
Another humor fanfic, by moi! I'll get these out of my system eventually. This story is an alternate reality of the ending in Final Fantasy 9. I think the title says the rest. ^.^  
  
And yesh, I acknowledge that the characters in this story are in no way of my own creation. No infringement is intended on any part of Final Fantasy IX or any Squaresoft products. Or the Full Monty, for that matter.   
  
Enjoy! :)  
  
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The theater ship finally anchored. Queen Garnet, in her royal, aloft seat, barely noticed. She had trouble focusing after that fateful day when she left Zidane behind at the Iifa Tree, but she was determined not to let her troubled mood interfere with her enjoyment of the night's play.  
  
The curtain drew back. Garnet's jaw almost dislocated itself as it dropped.  
  
Baku in nothing but a thong emerged from the center. "Ladies and gentlemen, nobles and rooftop viewers, and the lovely Queen Garnet," he took a bow, his rotund body jiggling as it did, "we, Tantalus, proudly present tonight's performance, 'The Full Monty'. Sit back, relax, and enjoy!"  
  
Garnet couldn't relax. She couldn't erase that horrifying image of Baku from her mind. She then turned to Steiner and Beatrix.  
  
"What the hell is going on? I thought this was going to be 'I Want To Be Your Canary'!" Garnet spat at them.  
  
"Well, uh, yes, well," Steiner started, then scratched his head.   
  
"We know how hard you've had it since you returned," Beatrix said. "So we asked Tantalus to modify their performance a little. We thought this would cheer you up and get your mind off of Zidane for a while."   
  
Garnet facepalmed. Gee, what good friends she had.  
  
Hoots and hollers and whistles could be heard from the audience. They were lapping it up, so to speak.  
  
"All Night Long" by the Mary Jane Girls began blaring.  
  
Marcus, Blank, Cinna, Zenero, Genero, and Benero took their cue and all walked out single file from stage right wearing police uniforms. They shook their booties, then walked forward, unfastening their ties. They spun them around their fingers and tossed them into the crowd. They did the same with their belts. They then jirated their hips while unbuttoning their shirts with excruciating slowness and numerous winks at the audience.   
  
Garnet appeared to look agonizingly through her fingers. But there was no doubt she was tremendously fascinated.   
  
The Tantalus crew flung their shirts into the audience, with screams and whistles thrown back at them. They all walked backward in unison, but oddly leaving a gap in the middle of the stage. Then eyed their pants, then the audience. "WOOOOOOOOOO!" the audience cried.   
  
They took a hold of their pants, then ripped them off over their heads, just as another figure jumped through the gap in the line and slid on his knees to the front of the stage.  
  
Garnet was shocked. It was Zidane!  
  
Clothed in his own police uniform, Zidane eyed Garnet and began stripping off his own tie and belt. He threw them in her direction, but was obviously intended to miss. He got up from his knees, then stripped his shirt, winking at Garnet. Garnet couldn't help but blush like a red rose.   
  
Zidane threw the offending garment away, then walked back and took his place in line, still in his pants. The line walked forward, but Zidane stayed put. He leaned forward, then charged full speed toward the audience. He lept as he got to the edge of the stage and began bounding off of innocent onlookers heads. He took a final leap and landed on the ledge just before Garnet's seat. He then did a little dance for her, rotating so he faced the audience. He then reached down and ripped off the pants to leave him clad in a red velvet thong.  
  
Garnet finally gave in and started giggling at Zidane's bare ass, tail wagging.  
  
Zidane tossed the pants into the crowd and turned to face Garnet. He then removed his police hat and placed it over his crotch, just as the rest of Tantalus did. He and Tantalus then ripped away their thongs and swung them 'tantalizingly' before Garnet and the crowd, respectively. Whoops and whistles ensued. As Tantalus tossed theirs to the crowd, Zidane tossed his to Garnet, grinning. Garnet just stared at him.  
  
Zidane winked at her, and in unison with the rest of the cast, swung their hips from side to side with their police hats still strategically masking their monties.   
  
Finally, Tantalus threw their hats away. The crowd went wild. Zidane, on the other hand, had lept down from the ledge and stepped just before Garnet, smiling sweetly at her. Garnet suddenly regained control of herself and lept up to embrace him. Though not what she was expecting at all, the performance made her unbelievably happy, because it hit her that he was here. Alive. And almost nude! Tears trickled down her face, and she pulled back to look into his eyes. Zidane gazed back lovingly, then smiled as he brought up the police hat and put it on Garnet's head. She grinned at him. As long at Baku wore pants for the rest of his public life, they would live happily ever after.  
  
And she would return the favor. *wink* *wink*  
  
~ ~ ~ fin ~ ~ ~  
  
Hope you folks enjoyed it! I like alternate reality stories. ^.^ 


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